Psychosomatic

I called my doctor today.  He gave me his cellphone number and actually answers it.  That's very cool in my book.  I think this is only the second time I've called him and I can't remember the first time (I assume it was close to a surgery and I probably wasn't lucid).

I told him I had more pain and that I was worried about my prognosis.  He said he wanted to take a look at my x-rays, but he was out of town.  He then offered to send me to the local clinic for x-rays and he'd view them remotely.  I went to the clinic and got the x-rays done- he had called and they knew all  about me.  But he wasn't able to view them at his remote office because of some data transfer issue.  But, my other doctor viewed them, and said as well that he was going by the office and he could see me.

It was really nice of him, we went over all my concerns and he thought the x-rays were definitely not worse (and my own viewing made me think they've improved).

I'm not sure what it is, but maybe the little bit of putting weight on my leg has kick started the healing again, I don't know.  I felt a lot better after the appointment.  I'm still in pain, but I'm not quite so worried.

A big step backwards

My pain has been increasing.  A lot.  To the point that I had to take a percocet.  This sucks.

It also makes me know that I'm not getting better; worse in fact.

I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow and see what his gut tells him.  I am not happy.

Reading to distraction

I've been getting bad reports on my x-rays lately.  A radiologist friend sent them to some ortho friends of his and they both came back with opinions that the fracture would not heal and that I'd need a hemiarthroplasty- which is a half-hip replacement.

So, off to google to read up on it.  I can't get a clear view as to if I should get a hemi- a full replacement, or if I should continue to get a surgery and try to save the existing bone.

This was a cool video- similar to the French one I posted a few weeks ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng4Avx7rjpo

Whatever happened to that light

at the end of the tunnel?

Today has been very depressing.  I'm thinking that the bone isn't healing and have gotten some confirmation.  Both from my own attempts at putting weight on it and having a radiologist friend take a look at my x-rays.

In the walking experiment, I attempted to put weight on the leg.  It feels solid.

I then attempted to walk along with my walker and 'walk' by putting  a little weight on the bad leg.  It worked, but every step I felt something move around in my leg and do a bit of a twist.  That feeling is what made me go to the hospital when I first broke my leg.  That it wasn't solid.  And that's what I'm starting to imagine is happening- my bones have kind of healed over and the support is coming from that big nail.  If that is right, it is likely never to heal.

Thinking that my next appointment is two weeks away, and no where to go but.. down makes me want to get an earlier appointment.  I'm waiting to hear back from a few friends who are in the business and get their opinions.  If the same results come back (nonunion), then I'll call my doctor next week and try to speed up whatever comes next.

Progress?

I'm still trying to figure out what the doctors were trying to figure out.  They probably have a better idea by now, and it happens that my daughter is going to visit the doctor for a sore shoulder.  While there, I'm sure my wife will chat him up about his thoughts on my recovery.  She missed the last appointment, which is too bad, because she has a good rapport with the entire staff.  I'm sure she'll get some information today.

The other things I'll get are the x-rays.  I spoke to the technician who will make a CDROM to give to my wife.  I'm very interested in comparing my x-rays over time and will add posts in order to show them.   I'm very interested in the latest set since it caused so much discussion last week.

Physically, I feel better than I did a couple of days ago.  I woke up this morning with a lot of stiffness/pain, but it has subsided.  Every once in a while I still get the intense 'knee' pain which still confuses me if it is really the knee. 

The doctors had me try to stand on my leg last week- and I somewhat chickened out.  It had been so long that I put weight on it that I was scared of falling.   So I've been doing a few attempts at putting weight on it.  It seems solid, but I haven't put my whole body weight on it yet.  I think I need a bar to hang from to really avoid the fear of falling instead of pushing down on my crutches or walker.

Hello pain, my old friend

Am I psychosomatic?

What I am is unable to sleep because of pain.  Thursday was an active day, but Thursday night was as well.  I tried to go to bed early- at 11, but woke up at 1am and spent until 6am tossing and turning.  I slept in until about 9, but wasn't well rested.

The pain has been back as well.  And it is much sharper than it has been recently.  And, it feels like it is deep.

Which is crazy, because only a couple of days ago I told the doctor I felt fine.  And now, the pain is bad.  Bad enough that I used to take an oxycontin because it hurt so much.  I'm not going to take those anymore if I can help it.  Which means, when the leg isn't moved or under stress, there's no pain.  Moving it does hurt though. 

Am I imagining it because the last exam wasn't great?  Was I pretending it wasn't bad because I was thinking I was getting better? 

Who knows, but if it keeps up, I'll be making an appointment sooner than the 3-weeks out I'm looking at so far.

The pool is still closed

I had high expectations going to the doctor today.  The last time I met with him, he was joking and happy that I was off pain medications.  He told me then "3 weeks, more x-rays, then 3 weeks after that we take a look and  you start walking."

It started off the same way, we met before I had x-rays done and he asked about pain as he manipulated my leg and how the pain compared to the last time.  I told him it was about the same.

After the x-rays, it was not so good.  I watched him as he looked at the x-ray and he was not happy.  He immediately sent me in for more x-rays, then again a third time.

X-rays are 2-dimensional representations of 3-dimensional structures.  So is TV.  Depending on the angle you take a shot, it can make things appear out of whack, especially with spherical structures.  Your mind interprets them as a circle being bisected by a line (the head of my femur with the nail going into it), but because it is 3-dimensional (and the hip rotates so easily) the view can seem dramatically different... or maybe I'm being hopeful.

He was looking at it and said "the ice cream is off the cone."  I didn't understand at first, but what he meant was that the ball of the femur didn't appear to be in-line with the femur.  Which was very odd, because I wasn't in any pain.  He said he never had a patient that was getting worse in the x-rays feel better.  So we went back for x-rays several times.  He really wanted to get some angles that showed if it was in line.  The other pictures made him happier, but it seemed a bit forced to me.   He called a couple of other doctors over who reviewed them with him, and the one x-ray they all agreed wasn't good, but the others were.  So I guess the question is "which one is correct?"  He postulated that the head was attached, but a bit off center, which is why the one picture looked so bad.

Looking at it myself in the office, I thought the nail had moved from the center of the head to further 'up'.  But after getting home and looking at the last surgery, I don't think it has.  It may have backed out a bit more, causing the muscle pain I'm feeling.

The docs really were a bit freaked- they kept asking how I felt, and had me put weight on it as well.  Furthermore, a not-good sign was that the fracture was well-defined.  The hope is that as it heals, the edge will start to 'soften', and that apparently wasn't happening.  The doc also said "if it pops and you're in intense pain, you have my cellphone", and "nope, I'm not thinking about hip replacement now."   I'm reading a lot into this, and there were many more words of confidence given, but I think he is not pleased.

I did go ahead and ask if I could start swimming, and I was told "let's take a look again in three weeks."

The pool is still closed.

No fun on a day like today

It is an absolutely beautiful day today.  At least from what I can see out the window.

The weather lately has been terrible.  Cold, rainy.  A buddy of mine just got back from London and said there was no difference.   What I realized is that when it is bad that you wouldn't want to go out... you don't want to go out.

But today... I'm hating it.  I've been sitting in front of the PC, and will be watching a movie later.  Which is great stuff when the weather sucks- but I'd be diving, or climbing, or riding my motorcycle, or playing disc golf with the kids... *something* on a gorgeous fall weekend.  I hope I have days like this in December!

Another good bit of news- three days now without any sleep aids.  If you don't call staying up really late a sleep aid!  I think I don't need ambien anymore.  I sound like a burned out rock start claiming I'm 'chemical free'.  But it is a milestone for me.  I've never liked taking any drug, and after 10 weeks, I'm not taking any.

A sleepful night

A friend of mine had been on ambien for months and decided to quit.  He told me yesterday that he had made it three days in a row and was able to fall asleep.

That inspired me, so I did it myself.  And it worked.  It took a little longer to fall asleep, but I did it.  I woke up tired, but it's better than being dependent on a drug.

I'm really looking forward to my recovery.  I plan on asking the doctor next week if I can start swimming.  I hope so- it's got to be low impact, and I need to do some kind of exercise.

Catching up to the 4yo crowd.

I'm still in pain.  Worse than I think I should be. For some reason, it seems like it is my knee that hurts- just south of the kneecap. Hopefully, it is just that- and not 'referred pain' from something going wrong with the healing.

I hope it is simply from lack of any real use.  It seems worst with sideways motion, such as being on my side- or lifting my leg into bed.  I had severe pain from that move as well before my first surgery.  But it was definitely at the hip then.

I'm sick of being a cripple- and treated like one.  So I did something I haven't done in nine weeks.  I tied my shoes.  If I was a 4 year-old, I'd be thrilled!  

Scorn for the disabled?

This is one of those times that you realize what happens to other people when it happens to you.

I think long term care is typically associated with older folks, or disabled or special needs people.  Basically, you know things aren't going to get better.  You have to guard yourself at looking down on them because they're needy.  And you have to realize (and they as well) that not everyone can be perfect in their behavior towards them.

When you're injured and know you're going to get better- and then get treated with scorn or discounted it really hurts.  Because you know you're going to get better and they would never treat you like that were you up and about and walking around. 

It's different in that you expect to be treated the same as if you were healthy- and it is the same in that bad behavior toward someone who isn't fully functional is a terrible thing to do.

Weight gain and loss

I found that I lose my appetite when I was taking the ocycontins. I would eat a very small serving of dinner and virtually no breakfast or lunch.

I've been off those for several weeks now. I still don't have an appetite at breakfast- I think it due to the Ambien perhaps?

But I'm very hungry at dinner (my wife is an excellent cook), and worse- it is Halloween time (lots of candy lying around the house), followed by the upcoming Thanksgiving, cookies, and Christmas eat-fests.

I had lost 20 pounds at my lowest point- most of it muscle I'm sure.  I am slimmer as well.  But now, the pounds are creeping back (slowly, only 3 so far), but I'm going to need to do something.

The problem is that I can't find any kind of cardio that works for me with a bad hip/leg.  I am able to do pushups.  I tried doing pullups, but I've lost a lot of strength.

So now I'm trying to limit my eating until my recuperation catches up.

If the nail fails

Here's a great video (in French) about how hip replacement has advanced. About halfway into it, it gets a bit graphic, so be warned.



As I've mentioned my fear is AVN, the head of the femur not getting enough blood and then failing. If it fails, it requires a hip replacement. What I've read is that they'll typically do a 'half' replacement of just the head. This video shows a full replacement on a hockey player. Very high tech.

The one pill I can't shake

I was up until 5am. 

I was exhausted, but couldn't sleep. Welcome to dependence on Ambien.  I was so tired last night that I figured I'd fall asleep on my own.  After all, I don't need a sleep aid when I take my frequent naps- why at night.

I don't know, but if I'm to get any sleep, I'll need to take the Ambien in the meantime.

Convalescing

It was a relatively slow weekend- I carved pumpkins with the kids and that ended up being a bit painful. And I sat out on the street passing out candy with the neighbors (the whole cul-de-sac meets at the top of the street).  It was rough- I'm only taking ibuprofin and aspirin for pain now. 

But the last couple of days have been better- I'm not going to bed in pain or waking up in pain, thankfully.